It’s been a week and a half, but I finally have my post done! Here is my weekend from Grabbys 2014!
I waited a year…12 months…365 days…8765 hours for Grabbys 2014. Actually, more than that. I started counting down the beginning of May last year. It started with a want to meet Levi. He was so sweet and sexy. I’d just found him, to know that he was so close, along with all the Cockyboys, was killing me last year. A 3 ½ hour trip to get there, but I wasn’t able to go. Everything happens for a reason, I guess something in the universe wanted me to wait.
It was never official, just a dream I had to make it to Chicago for the 2014 Grabbys. I needed to meet Levi, I needed a hug, and I needed the face to face time. But I have a family, a child that needs to be cared for and a husband I can’t exactly depend on. So many variables I didn’t know if I was going to be able to make it happen. No matter how much I talked about it being a sure thing, there was always that fear that it wasn’t going to really happen.
It became official in February. The room was booked, the husband was notified and the plans were being made. It was the longest 3 months of my life.
I didn’t sleep the night before, running on pure energy and excitement and nerves. It was finally going to happen, a 2 ½ hour train ride, a quick cab trip and I’d be there. Of course as my luck works, it was more like a 4 hour train ride, but finally we made it to the hotel.
Have you ever walked into a place and had that moment when you weren’t sure if it was real life or a dream? That was what I felt when I saw Levi standing at the front desk of the hotel. I stood there for what felt like forever as my brain registered what my eyes where seeing. His distinctive K tattoo staring at me! (Apparently the bell hop was talking to me and Jess, I had no clue!) I ran over, attacked him in a huge hug not even aware that he was attempting to have a conversation with the lady working with the front desk. The next minute was a whirlwind of hugs, him telling her we just met and more hugs! He had to leave just as fast, work to be done, but not before I got one more hug! I remember seeing a glimpse of Benny’s hair, some guy looking at me like I was nuts (I found out later it was Daniel!), and Jess trying to get my attention.
I was standing there, in shock and shaking, with the biggest grin on my face. I finally got to hug my pon and it felt AMAZING. There were no pictures, no video and it was nothing like I even imagined. But that moment was just ours, and it’s locked inside of me forever.
The day just kept getting better. I got to meet Lisa, finally hug Kim after 4 years of talking online, and then a surprise lunch with Ricky! Who, in case any of you were wondering, it the most adorable sweetheart! We eventually got checked in, I lost the key in the matter of 5 steps, and we met JD and Shawn and finally made it to our room! About 20 minute later we told that Kim and I were having an official meeting with Levi and Benny before the event! So many emotions in our room at that moment, followed by a flurry of Jess, Kim and I getting ready, only to sit downstairs and wait, since as always, the boys were late!
I don’t know what happened when Kim met Benny. Hugs from the pictures I’ve seen. There is a video somewhere. The moment that Levi was standing in front of me, looking amazing of course, the whole world disappeared around me. One of my friends told me on the way there that hugging him would feel like home. She was not wrong. That missing piece of my heart, the need to hug my child, it was finally filled in. Levi is as much a part of me as my own child. It had killed me that I had not been able to hug him yet. I didn’t want to let go!
Of course, shortly after, the mom in me kicked in as I tried to get his phone away from him! There was no way I was letting that boy loose his phone while I was in the same city as him for the weekend!! After pictures, and hugs from JJ, RJ, Benny, and all the other Cockyboys we were swept off by JJ to the party! Poor Bravo got kicked out of the cab so Jess, Levi and I could sit together!!
The event was fun, mingling and talking with the Cockyboys, stealing Levi’s drinks when I had a chance, and lots of pictures and smiles! I loved watching Levi work the room, moving around talking to everyone. It made me proud, the way he interacts with everyone. He makes everyone feel special, if even for the few moments they get to spend with him. Watching him reminded me of JJ. It was something special to watch.
I met Eli finally, got a picture with Armond, and got a chance to talk with JJ and Levi (while Levi groped me a few times! The boy has a boob obsession!!) I had a bathroom pic with Miss Martine, pictures with some of the other boys and more fun than I’d had in a long time! Right after we had a huge pizza party where Bravo broke the fire, Levi and I had a fishbowl, and we had a great time talking to everyone around us! The trip back to the hotel had Bravo getting kicked out of our cab, again!!
Levi stopped by our room to get his goodies and he was like a kid on Christmas! It was so cute; he even had to record it! Jake and Dillon stopped by as well, and then it was off to his room to smoke! I walked in to a naked Ricky just out of the shower, who then climbed into bed and passed out before talking with Jess. I’ve never smoked before; Levi couldn’t wait to get me high. The first time I did it by myself (after lessons from Levi and Jake) and the other 3 times shotgun from Levi! (I so prefer shotgun!) The boys took off, we headed back to our room and I blacked out at some point in mid-sentence!
Saturday morning was lazy time in bed, a Skype call with my son who LOVED the huge buildings, and finally getting ready. We debated about going to IML, but in the end decided to go. I’m so happy we did! It was surreal watching Levi, Ricky, Duncan, Dillon and Bravo live! The guys watching wanted to know who we all were when the boys gave us hugs before the demonstration! I met two guys from Michigan, told them about being a porn mom, recorded Lisa’s hair (Sorry Sissy!!) and then got a lot of pics and video of #TeamTan live! There is something dream like about watching your ship pairing live and in person! By the time they were done I was shaking! All the girls had a quick picture with JD before it was time to go back!
We walked back to the hotel with Bravo, Dillon and Duncan. Then it was time for a quick freshen up and change before the book signing party! Kim and I went in true comfort, cute clothes and bare feet! Jess, Kim and I had a few moments alone with JJ, RJ and Benny to give them the fan book we had made for them along with some other gifts. Before long the boys arrived, the rest of the fans and the pre-game was in full swing! It was a lot of fun, meeting the fans, talking with everyone, and getting a lot of pics! We got our books, DVDs, journals, posters, pictures, and even shirts signed! Levi was gracious enough to sign a few things for the street team as well! JJ gave a speech that was perfectly worded and made everyone tear up a little! Jess, Kim and I left a little early, had a quick change again into our Grabby’s outfits and came back down for more pictures! The only bad part was that Lisa had to leave! We got lots of hugs before she left, and then it was off to the Grabbys!
Standing outside the Grabbys was another surreal moment. Surrounded by porn stars, both who I knew and who’s faces I recognized had me asking a yet again “How is this my life?!” I got to meet Casey from Helix, got another hug from JD, and of course we all cheered when JJ, RJ and Benny arrived! At this point I don’t think I’d stopped smiling all day!
The Grabbys seating was not the best, we were clear across the room from the rest of the Cockyboys and fans. Luckily one of the guys we were sitting with was a fan of Levi!! This is what I remember from the Grabbys….Screaming so loud when Levi won Newcomer of the Year, getting an even bigger smile on my face, and feeling so very proud when he was doing his co-hosting duties. I was proud when Ricky introduced The Haunting, teared up when JJ spoke both times he was on stage, and of course, a moment of cheering when we saw Casey Tanner on the screen for a minute! Just like that it was over, and I was hugging my boy! The best part of the win was his smile and hearing him say “We did it!”
Back at the hotel we waited in the lobby, hugged and congratulated JJ, RJ, and everyone. We headed up to the after party after changing and were told we were a little early. So Jess and I went to dinner with Duncan and Bravo and a few other girls. I downed by drink before we left, so I cuddle with Duncan as we walked there so he could help keep me upright! It was great talking to him! By the time we ate at Portillos (OMG so yummy!!) and made it back the part was in full swing. Not even 5 minutes after I sat down Levi was over asking me if I was drunk yet! When I told him I’d sobered up at dinner he handed me his drink. I took a sip, but that wasn’t good enough for him. He took my other hand, put it under his shirt and rubbed it over his abs, counting them as I drank….tequila…straight. It was half a cup in about a minute! Add my vodka and cranberry to that, and it wasn’t long before I was really drunk and basically unable to stand! It was an amazing night!! Well, until Jess made me leave and I ended up in the bathroom. Levi said she was supposed to let me drink more then, but instead I ended up passing out in bed!!
Sunday I was up at 8:30 with no hangover thanks to my amazing Sissy!! I was smiling until I got the text from Ricky that they were leaving in about an hour. The tears started then. It was too soon, too little time, too much more time I wanted to spend with Levi and everyone! We went down to the lobby, sat with Ricky and waited for the others. We got lots of good by hugs and kisses and I held onto Levi until RJ had to pull him out of my arms. Jess, Kim, Miss Martine and I stood in the lobby window, hugging and crying as JJ, RJ, Benny, Levi, Jake and Ricky left. Someone came up right after and asked if we were the “Cockygirls” and of course we all said YES! After drying our eyes we headed to IML to see Dillon, Duncan and Bravo. Eli showed up as well as a bonus surprise! We walked around; I got goodies for Levi, texted with him and tried not to think about him flying away. We all cried as we watched an amazing Dom cane his Sub. It was so beautiful. We left before the Ft Troff demo. Kim headed back to the hotel to wait for our friend Angela who was coming for the night. Jess and I waited for Chris and Daniel and sat and talked with them for about an hour. It was so much fun getting to talk to know Daniel some and finally spending time with Chris!
Sunday night was the calmest of the weekend. Jess, Kim, Angela and I went to dinner. We ran into JD when we came back. He came up for a bit, signed our books and then took Kim out for drinks for some one and one time! We hung out in the hotel, talked fandoms and porn stars, I got a quick call from Levi and at some point JD came back with Kim to say bye.
Monday started early, Kim had a bus to catch to the airport. Jess and I walked her to the lobby; we got one final pic and a lot more hugs. We tried not to think about her leaving as we went to the store, so of course every song was about leaving! When we were back in our room Jess and I laid in bed together, listening to music and crying. Finally it was time for us to get our train and Angela to get hers. The weekend was over, much too soon!
I sobbed on the train ride home. I cried for the too little time with amazing people. I cried for too little time with my Sissy, my Kim, and the new friends I made. I cried for the total feeling of love that I felt. I knew it would be gone when I got home. I cried for the hugs and kisses that were given freely, the contact and caring that I got from everyone, even people I didn’t really know. I knew going home would be hard, but I never thought it would be THAT hard. I didn’t expect the total empty feeling that consumed me the moment I was back home. I wasn’t ready for the crippling depression that I thought I had under control to sneak back up on me.
I learned a lot of things over the weekend. Some I never knew I needed to know! But mostly, I learned that I was loved, no matter what. I don’t feel that at home. My six year old gives me hugs and kisses and loves me, but it’s not the same as the full body hugs I got at least 5 times every time I saw everyone. It’s been a long time since I felt what real love felt like. I’d forgotten that feeling. I was a stress free, happy smiley person all weekend.
But the best part of the entire weekend? Without a thought, it’s this…